Rambles of an Amused General, and a Brooding Lion
by Axel'sWaterBaby
Summary: Leon and Sephiroth, throughout their courtship and their lives together. Warning: Yaoi, Swearing, Drunk!Sephiroth, Angry!Leon, Plotting!Aeris and Yuffie, Please, Read and Review.
1. Boy meets Genetically Mutated Drunkard

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts, because if I did there would be a sexy, redheaded cowboy as the main character. (Seriously, Irvine needs his own game.)

* * *

"Ha, rock beats scissors. I win yet again, but are you really surprised by that? I never lose, because I am the magnificent conqueror of all."

"...You wanna remind me why we are playing Rock, Paper, Scissors? There has to be a reason I would spend time with you, especially when you are like this."

"Ah Squall I'm hurt. Is it necessary for you to say such things to a man that you work with, one you live with? Anyway, you had said that you needed someone to help you out in the computer room, and I was the only one who wasn't doing anything. Somehow the door broke, leaving you and me locked here. Happy?"

"....It's Leon, call me Leon. And why don't you just break down the door? You are Sephiroth, the man who single-handedly ended the Wutai War, burned all ofNibelheim to the ground, KILED AERIS, did a really good job of fucking up Cloud's head, created Geostigma, something that screwed your world up really fucking well, and you can't break down a door??"

"You know a surprising amount about me and my world, Squall. Now, even Twitchy-Ninja-Girl, Tifa, and Aeris wouldn't tell you that much about their previous lives, and the Puppet would never tell you anything about his 'dark, horrible, trouble, traumatic, dramatic, pathetic' excuse for a life. He's such a pussy, and you can tell him that's the real reason that I fought with him. This, of course, leaves the Captain as your source of information. What did you do, wait for the man to be drunk of his ass before asking him anything about his past? Seems a little hypocritical Squall."

"It's Leon. You just love to hear yourself talk to, don't you? I didn't hear a point in that speech, and you didn't answer my question. I will give you credit for insulting Cloud though, that man needs to learn that there is a specific time for brooding, every day from 3 pm to 5 pm."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...I really cannot win against you in a battle of ellipses. To answer your question, this door belongs to Aeris."

"...And how does this prevent you from going, all psycho killer on the door? Are you afraid that it will send you to the Lifestream?"

"It's Aeris's door. If I break it down, that will make her angry, which in turn will piss of the Puppet. And honestly I'm tired of constantly fighting him, it gets repetitive after a while. And he has Tifa as his cheerleader, and that women just irks me. Do you understand now, surely you would do the exact same thing as me and wait for someone to come?"

"...Tch, whatever."

"Do you know that's the longest I have ever heard you speak? And you always have the tendency to end your conversations with 'Whatever', which in reality is a nasty habit. I will help you break it, Squall."

"It's LEON. What is with you and Yuffie never calling me that? That's my name now, because I don't deserve my old one. I let all my friends, my country, my world, down. I don't deserve-"

"I mercilessly killed people because they were in my way. I killed Aeris for Christ's sake, and I'm not entirely sure that I won't do it again. My mental stability is questionable at the best of times, and my entire life is stained with blood. The thing is, you don't hear me call myself Gladys."

"..."

"..."

"Gladys? How can you compare the awesomeness of Leon, to Gladys? You are a 6 foot tall winged 'man' with long silver hair, and you would call yourself Gladys? Did you come out of the closet, and me not know about it?"

"I do not work well under pressure, which in hindsight makes Shinra's decision to make me General the stupidest idea ever. And thank you for the compliment Squall, usually people mistake my hair for gray. I kill them. That's why President Shinra really died."

"...Tch, whatever. Wait...what are you-"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!"

"Now Squall, you are overreacting, it was a way to make you remember not to say that word. I'm helping you, and I have been trained to do this."

"YOU DECIDED TO HELP ME BY KISSING ME???? HOJO REALLY DID FUCK WITH YOUR HEAD!! AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TRAINED TO DO THIS, YOU SICK PERVERT?? AND STOP CALLING ME SQUALL!!!"

"That was uncalled for, insulting me. You wound me Squall, with your oh-so-harsh words. You need to work on being a nicer person, one who gives pleasant compliments and not scathing remarks. I'll get right on that after we correct your way of saying 'Whatever' all the time."

"CAN YOU AT LEAST APOLOGIZE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?? I COULD SUE YOU FOR RAPE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!"

"First off, my mother was not a bitch, she was a lovely women that deserved all of Vincent's devotion. Even if it does creep the hell out of me that he had a shrine dedicated to Lucretia in his cape. That's why Cloud gave Vincent his cape back, first chance he saw him back in the Coliseum. Second, you can't sue me for rape, because there are no witnesses, and the only person who would support you would be Cloud, and his word is already garbage among the people of Radiant Garden. And I may be new to this 'Sanity' thing, but doesn't a person only apologize when they are sorry?"

"YOU!!! AH....YOU ARE SUCH AN ASS-HAT!!! WHY.....ARGH!!!!"

"Have I amazed you to the point that you cannot form words, Squall? Don't worry, it happens all the time. Actually more often than you would think."

"It's Leon, you conceited piece of genetically mutated garbage. And do you even know how gay that sounded, like you were picking up a little boy."

"Compared to me, you are a little boy, so its only appropriated. And I am not garbage, I am a finely crafted piece of man, one that is meant to be worshiped. So, can I 'worship' your body?"

"..."

"..."

"...You seriously aren't going to start using pick up lines, are you? I will do almost anything for you not to do that."

"Will you give yourself over to me, mind, body, and spirit? Will you be my love slave until your days run out?"

"...That falls under the 'almost' category, and I...I don't even want to think about that. That sounds just so wrong coming from your mouth."

"Then, since you declined my request, I must use pick up lines to win over your fair heart. What has 142 teeth and is holding back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper."

"..."

"Not your fancy, eh? What about this one: Do you have a mirror in your pockets? Because I can see myself in your pants."

"..."

"Is that a blush that I see on your face, Squall? Oh, you look so...adorable like that, is it the naughty things that make you blush? Listen to this one then: Wanna play 'kite'? I lay down, you blow and we'll see how high you can make me"

"....Shut...up."

"Ah, does that make you uncomfortable, Squall? Your face is covered in this little pink blush. You look like a little schoolgirl, just entering high school."

"...Tch, whatever...."

"mmhm"

"AH....nghh"

"..."

"YOU MISERABLE, MEASLY EXCUSE FOR A MALE! WHAT IS WITH THE SEXUAL ABUSE HERE? I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU!!!"

"That's mean, Squall. How are you going to tell the children that Mommy doesn't love Daddy? You'll break their precious hearts."

"THERE WILL BE NO FREAKING CHILDREN IN THIS...THIS....WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS. ACTUALLY THERE IS NO 'THIS'. STOP SMIRKING YOU ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS!"

"Oh I would love to be a pain in your ass, Squall. You should be proud, I actually came up with that one by myself."

"SHIVA DAMMIT, YOU ARE EVEN WORST THAN IRVINE, AND I DIDN'T THINK THAT WAS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE! YOU FESTERING PILE OF ASS! YOU FUCKING COCKMONKEY!!!"

"You have an impressive vocabulary, Squall. Did the Captain teach you those words in between beer bottles? Who is this Irvine that you mentioned, he sounds like a better version of Reno, someone who doesn't add that annoying 'Yo' after he speaks. I'm so happy Vincent taught him better, much like how I'm teaching you with 'Whatever'."

"YOU...YOU...ARGH!!!!!!!!!! SHUT YOUR FREAKING FACE!!!!! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!"

"Now hunny-bunches, you don't hate me. You hate faith, and destiny and all that other crap. You hate circumstances."

"No, I'm pretty sure I just hate you. And if you go on some spiel about the children and whatnot and I will commit suicide. You can't fuck a dead corpse."

"It would actually be a lot easier than fucking you now."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Have you been drinking? I have the taste of alcohol in my mouth, and I don't drink."

"While Reno is annoying as hell to talk to, he makes the best drinking partner. It's not a party until Reno arrives, and he just had to prove that last night. And this morning."

"...So everything you have been saying has all been because you are inebriated? You don't mean any of it?!?"

"I may be slightly drunk, but that does not mean that I am incapable of rational thought. Actually I think a drunken me makes even more sense than the Keybearer when he's sane."

"Sora is pretty dumb...I swear, one day Riku is going to rape his ass, and when that happens, he'll be thinking about chasing a butterfly."

"All the same Squall, I am speaking my feelings. Everything I said was the honest truth, or at least as honest as I can be. Let's face it, I'm a screw up, but I really want to own your heart, Squall. I really want to feel you, and always have you by my side. I can be a good person, all I'm asking for is a chance to prove that."

"....Whatever."

* * *

**A/N: **And so the Lion fell in love with the Genetically Mutated Winged Angel. Now, that's what Twilight should have been about, not that lame-ass vampire stuff. Flames are welcomed, because without them you won't grow as a writer. (Plus they are fun to read and even more fun to ridicule...) I am considering making this a series, so tell me what y'all think about that. I'm going to sleep now, since its 1:27 in the morning, and I have school tomorrow. BYE


	2. Super Special Mission!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts. If I did, there would be no Atlantica. 'Under the Sea' gets very annoying when you're lost in that freaking world, and don't know what to do. And Sora can't sing. Like at all.

* * *

"Could you please tell me, why the hell you blindfolded me and where we are going? You know I hate to be out of the loop Seph, and I hate to be blindfolded."

"I'll remember to cross that off my list of possible bed-time activities. There goes that kinky kidnap and rape role playing, where you play a honorable princess, and I am a horrible, dirty thief. Hmmm, I liked that one."

"...Remind me again why I haven't dumped you yet."

"Ah Squall, you know that you could never live without me. I am the mac to your cheese, the milk to your cereal, the KY jelly to your tight ass. You could say that one would not be the same without the other."

"..."

"Hmmm? You need something, Squall? You're just staring at me like I'm talking about rabid rabbits or something?"

"..."

"Okay, you are seriously starting to piss me off, Squall. Just say something already, or I swear to god that I will make you talk!"

"...You are so not getting any tonight. Or any night for the next couple of days...weeks...months, maybe even years."

"...Keep saying those things and you really won't be able to walk tomorrow, Honey-bear."

"...No. That name was just a no, and you should never utter such a thing again. You try it, and you will find that your pants have some extra room around the crotch area, and no that does not mean that I want you to take your pants off."

"You're being especially talkative today, usually I can never get you to speak. And you are saying such nasty, violent things as well. If everyone thinks that I'm the one with anger issues, they have clearly never seen you when you wake up. It's like watching Aeris and Tifa both with Cloud at the same time. A total disaster, and yet the most hilariously sad thing I've ever seen."

"People think that you're the violent one because you FUCKING KILLED AERIS!!!! IF MAYBE YOU COULD CONTROL YOUR DESIRE FOR FUCKING BLOOD, PEOPLE MIGHT THINK THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FUCKING KILL THEM!!!"

"Bitch got what she deserved for messing with the General. No one calls my hair gray and gets away with it. And she told me that Masamune reminded her of a dildo! SHE. HAD. TO. DIE."

"...Did she...oh...my....Shiva....I love Aeris just so much more now. She is so getting whatever she wants for her birthday next Tuesday. Ouch! WHY DID YOU JUST SHOVE ME YOU INSENSITIVE JERK????"

"I pushed you because were acting worse than the annoying Ninja-Girl, with all your plotting. She tried to pluck all the feathers from my wings-and let me tell you that hurts worse than trying to have an intelligent conversation with Puppet. He just stands in the corner of the Bailey and glares at everything that passes him by. I don't understand why anyone would do that."

"Yuffie, Cid and I actually came up with some theories about that one. Cid thinks that Cloud is planning how to make a truce with the Heartless, so he can become 'Whiny-Ass-McBitchy-Emo-Brood the IV' and finally kick me off of my 'Royal-Pain-in-then-Ass' throne. I think that he's trying to kill himself by driving himself even crazier than he already is, and eventually he''s going to snap and start cross-dressing while calling himself Moon-Beam. Yuffie just thinks that he's sexually repressed and needs some Prime A man-candy to fondle. Seph, do you mind talking to her for me? She said that while waggling her eyebrows at me, and doing the 'Suck it' expression. You know, the one when you quickly gesture to your crotch?"

"...Stay right here Squall, I'll be right back. Which one is Yuffie again? Is she the one that is constantly trying to steal your 'treasure'? Or is she the one that is obsessed with her jump-rope?"

"YOU WILL NOT BE GOING ANYWHERE YOU, FUCKED UP, HALF-ASSED EXCUSE FOR A FUCKING ANGEL!!!! Rikku and Selphie are nice people, and they shouldn't be exposed to the walking mind-fuck that is you! And leave Yuffie alone too, I just wanted you to talk to her a little. Touch them....and....something will happen!!! Something....very bad!!!"

"..."

"..."

"...And you say that you were basically the leader of the free world on your home world? Um Squall, how many people were there on this planet?"

"There were a lot!!! I just....wasn't the best leader. I really don't know why they just didn't let Cid continue as the leader of the Garden. I pretty much fail when it comes to diplomatic events, because I can't express myself very well with words."

"I'll say. The only time you're very expressive is in bed, and even then its mostly groans and moans. An d you love to scream my name over and over again. Vincent says he can hear it from all across the town."

"...Whatev-"

"...mhmm"

"ah..,Seph..."

"..."

" You fucking jerk, I thought we were over the random molestation phrase!!!"

"Really Squall, we will never be over that phrase if you keep wearing those leather pants of yours. Plus you almost said that devil word, and I made a promise to help you break that habit. If there's one thing that the General supports, its honor. And porn, but that's a different topic."

"I'm still blindfolded, you freaking ass-goblin!!! If you're going to rape me, at least, you know, let me freaking see you!!! Speaking of the fucking eye-patch of doom, when are you going to let me take it off? I really freaking hate it!!!"

"Calm down my love, we are almost to the destination where you may strip your wondrous face of that hideous band. May I inquire, the reason as to why you are so adverse to the blindfold?"

"...That depends, can you tell me why the hell you just decided to speak with a British accent."

"Ah the answer to such a very good question would of course be that I am drunk off my ass. I had a spare with Luxord a little while ago, and as you know that man fights dirty. And alcohol-ly. But I like his beard, it is the only real beard that I've seen, everyone else is either clear cut, or has a half-assed beard like the Captain."

"YOU'RE FUCKING DRUNK AGAIN? THAT HAS TO BE THE FIFTH FUCKING TIME THIS WEEK, AND ITS ONLY WEDNESDAY!!!! WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU LAY OF THE HYNE-DAMMED LIQUID, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A BOX OF WINE!!! YOU KEEP ON DOING THIS, AND I'M SIGNING YOU UP FOR AA!"

"Your harsh words hurt Squall, but I know that the only reason that you use them is because you love me. And so I shall endure your rage, my feisty little Kitty."

"...Tch, that's another one for the no pile. I'm not a freaking kitty. I am a man, and if you say 'Oh I _know _that Squall', I will have Aeris paste the picture she has of you when she braided your hair."

"Your no fun. Next time that I go out drinking, I'm so taking you along. That would make my life, and after that the Puppet could kill me and I would not even care. Oh turn around Squall, we're here."

"Wow, I can see...nothing, because you haven't TAKEN OF THE FRIGGING BLINDFOLD!!!"

"Hmph, everyone's a critic. I still expect you to tell me about why you hate these things so much, but I guess I have to take it off. Not much of a surprise if you can't see the thing, right?"

"...Sephiroth, what is this? Why...it's actually pretty sweet of you to do. Totally unlike your character."

"Thanks for the compliment Squall, I can practically hear the love radiating off of that statement. I thought that you would enjoy the idea of an outside picnic, and today just seemed perfect."

"...There's nothing special about today is there? Like, I didn't forget it was my birthday, or your birthday, or the fish's birthday did I?"

"Gunther 0.5? No, his birthday isn't until October. Today I just thought that you need a break, and what better way to do that, then with a picnic? Plus, I thought it would be the perfect idea for our first date."

"...Seph, we've been going out for about six months, and you've been living with me for at least five months. I'm pretty sure we've been dating, and if we're not, you have some major explaining to do."

"Sit down and take something to eat first before I explain, Squall. Sora, Riku, and myself spent a lot of time making this meal, and Sora even stole his mom's pie recipe."

"...yum....good pie"

"Your sweet tooth is surprising and somewhat disturbing. You ate that entire pie in like, a minute. Even Pooh-Bear wouldn't have been able to do that. Granted the pie is not honey-flavored so, the bear would not have even touched it, but that is besides the point. You're a freaking monster, Squall."

"And yet, I have so many fangirls. Not as many as you, but that's to be expected, since you are, lets face it, a freaking god. Now, what were you going to say about the picnic?"

"Ah, yes. Well on one of my biweekly visits to speak with Riku, we got into a conversation about our boyfriends. When I told him, that you and I don't really go outside and showcase our relationship, he told me that it was unusual and that I should take you out on a 'date'. He told me that he and Sora do it all the time, and it makes the Keybearer very happy. He then told me to buy large amounts of whipped cream for the night after, because apparently Sora gets _very _excited about dates."

"You and your brother talk about the strangest things. Didn't you tell me that both of you were bored one day and you decided to shoot fireballs and Meteors at passing people to see their reactions to being set on fire? You guys are pretty fucked up."

"Yes, but that's what gives us our power. That and having skin tight leather clothes, sexy hair, and vibrant eyes. You should know about the power of leather Squall, or as people call you, 'Leather Daddy'. Oh, babe eat some of your food, before the insects get to it, I slaved over a stove for that food, and you better fucking eat it."

"...That basically translates into 'I forced Sora and his man-bitch to make you food, while I traded hair advice with Kairi, and you better like it, or else Sora will cry. Again.' Or at least that's what I got out of that. But rest assured, I like the papou fruit sandwiches that they made, and the coconut smoothies taste pretty good."

"Papou fruit? Let me see....Ha, you'll never be able to get rid of me now Squall. With this, we're bound together for your life, or even past that, if you've been doing what I've told you to do."

"For the last fucking time, I will not eat Heartless just to be immortal like you, Seph. It's against my beliefs as a member of SeeD, you don't mess with voodoo magic like that."

"Maybe this requires a little bit of 'convincing' on my part? I'm pretty sure that you'll come over to my way soon enough, Lee."

"That nickname wasn't too bad...Mmhm, wait....Seph!...What...about the food?...It'll get...hmmm, ah......"

"Such a seductive little Kitty."

"Shut up, and kiss me now or so help me god, I will never let you get any."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Operation Get-Some-Super-Sexy-Pictures-Of-Sephiroth-And-Leon-Making-Out has been successful, and the results are most yummy. These will actually fetcha really good sum on the market, and maybe I could even buy some Materia with this. Whatcha think oh mighty Pink One?"

"Silly Yuffie, we're not going to sell those pictures, and you are DEFINITELY not getting any Materia. I swear you're worse than Cid with his tea when you have that stuff."

"BUT! BUT! BUT! BUT AERIS~!!!!! I already promised Yuna, Kairi, Rikku, and Tron that I would get them the pictures of those two pieces of hot ass making out! I can't disappoint our customers, especially after the failed adventure when we tried to get pictures of Cloud when he wasn't pouting. Plus, I need some munny after I spent all of it on this new camera."

"You'll get your munny Yuffie, trust me. All of our customers will be happy to, we just have to give it a little time. It would be so mean to only release half of a doushinji, and leave our people wanting more."

"...Have I mentioned how much I love you lately Aeris? You always make everything better!"

"Hehehehe, its just my charm."

* * *

**A/N:** Alright, here's the second chapter. Not sure how many more of these I'll do, but this is actually a lot of fun. Man, I love Drunk!Sephiroth so you'll probably see a lot more of him. And the whole Cloud bashing thing that I do, It's not that I don't like him...I just think he's a pussy. ZACK IS A MUCH BETTER CHARACTER!!! Anyways, I gotta go to sleep. Why do I always have ideas at obnoxious hours in the morning? Till later, Space Cadets~


	3. It's Not a Party Until Reno Arrives

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts, because if I did, there would be a weapon/way to kill Donald and Goofy. I hate them because you will all be dying in a boss fight, and instead of Donald healing you, he'll choose to heal Goofy. Bastards.

* * *

"...and that's what really happened Reno, not the total bullshit that Seph told you earlier."

"Let me try and get this straight, yo. Sephiroth, the strongest mother-fucking monster in the fucking galaxy, did a _strip show_ for you. That's some fucked-up, crazy-ass shit there, yo. Not that I'm saying that you don't deserve it, Leon. I would love to tap that fucking tasty ass. Damn, you're fucking beautiful, and I bet you'd be a great fuck, yo."

"...Now I understand why Seph is always drunk, it's the only way that he can stand listening to you talk. 'Fuck' can't be used as every part of speech, Reno. And, I'm actually pretty happy with my life with Seph right now, well sans strip show and all."

"Yeah, I know whatcha mean. Vince and me got a fucking awesome sex life right now, and the last thing I want to fucking do is fuck this up, yo. Life's to hard without the Mister, y'know?"

"...never...say...the...words...y'know...around...me. Too many bad, bad memories of teenage summers. Raijuin really should have learned that ending I would cut him for being an annoying ass repeating that all the time. And, ew. There is no need for you to tell me about you and Vincent's 'fun times'. That's just TMI, man."

" Are ya sure ya don't wanna hear more? Like Vince can do this un-fucking-believe able thing with his tongue when he sucks my-"

"SAY ANOTHER WORD, AND YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF COMMANDER SQUALL LEONHART. AND HE IS ONE SCARY-ASS MOTHER FUCKER. HE SCARES AERIS!"

"Hehehehe, there's no need to get all fucking violent, Leon. I'm just educating you on the way of life, making sure you're fragile, pretty little fucking head is screwed on right, yo. You've been drinking a lot buddy."

"...You took me out to a fucking bar, of course I'm to get drunk. Seph was right, it isn't a party until Reno arrives."

"Absou-fucking-lutely right, yo! The fiesta doesn't even move off the fucking ground unless this sexy-ass, perfect R-man is there causing pain, mischief, and laughs. Damn, back at Shinra everyone just came to my office for a good time, and in more ways than one. yo."

"Yet again, I utter the word 'ew' in your presence. Don't you have any idea of public decency? I mean, you and Yuffie embarrass the hell out of everyone, with all your twitchy, raunchy behavior."

"I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for my devious charm, yo. Everyone loves a bad-boy, well unless you're Spikey. Then everyone just wants to kick you're pansy, pale ass. He keeps forgetting that even a bad-boy needs a personality, yo. And don't be hatin' on someone from Wutai. They will find you and kill you in the middle of the night, or make your life a miserable little piece of shit for 7 years. Even when you don't fucking do anything, yo!"

"Tseng sure sounds like a hard-ass, but I think that he and I would be good friends. Both of us had to put up with lazy-ass employees, that wanted to do nothing but drink all day long. Fucking cowboys."

"I would fucking cry if you and Tseng met each other- DAMMIT!"

"What? What the hell is going on, Reno? Did Yuffie fall in the well again?"

"Worse, so much worse. Leon, your lover-boy is on his way over here, yo. I gotta move my perfect-ass outta here, or else his foot is gonna be so far up it that I'll be tasting leather for a week. And not the good type of leather either. Remember what happened last time, yo?"

"...Seph took out Masasume and almost sodomized you with it, and would have gotten away with it if Vincent wasn't there. I don't even know why the hell he gets like that whenever we're together. He doesn't fucking slit you when you guys go out drinking."

"Seph think that I'm gonna fuck your tiny fucking ass, Leon. That's the whole reason that he hates it when I take you out and shit, yo. Psycho thinks I'm gonna jump your fucking bones, yo."

"..."

"Well, say something, bitch. Your six foot tall bag of crazy is about to get here, yo."

"But...you're like Vincent's bitch. Why the hell does Seph think you and I could ever get together? I can't stand you when I'm sober!"

"To be fair, you can't stand the General when he's sober either, yo. And how the fuck should I know what's going on that fucking fucktard's brain. That thing has been beaten worse than Cloud when he told Tifa that he just wanted to be 'friends' with her. I know I should pity the lil' fucker, but that was the best shit I've seen in a long time, yo."

"...He was so twitchy. Whenever I see him brooding in the Bailey now, the image of him bloody, crying in a corner, and telling Tifa that 'he was her bitch and she should stop being a bad pimp'. I still can't believe that Tifa thinks she's a pimp. Sure, she's weird, but I never thought that she'd..."

"I think it's cause Rude's not here, yo. Rude always knew how to keep Tifa from getting all...crazy. When he comes back from vacation, she'll chill her ass out, yo"

"Rude's dead, Reno. He has been ever since your world has been destroyed."

"Yeah, like I said, he's on vacation. He'll be back here soon enough. Aeris will use her voodoo I-was-dead powers to bring Rude back soon. Even she is getting tired of Tifa acting like-"

"YO, EITHER OF YOU CRACKA'S SEEN MY BOTTOM BEETCH? HE BE LATE FOR HIS 'APPOINTMENT' WITH ME. WHEN I SEE THAT WHORE, I'M A BEAT THE CHOCOBO RIGHT OUTTA HIM!"

"...He's not here Tifa. Check the Dark Depths, usually he and Sephiroth are fighting around now."

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!! THANKS LEON, IF YOU WANTED YOU COULD BE ONE OF MY BEETCHES TOO. TIFA LOVES THE PRETTY ONES!"

"...No, I'm good Tifa."

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!! WHAT ABOUT YOU, RED?? YOUR ASS IS MADE FOR TIFA'S BED."

"...I never thought I would say this to you Tifa, but I'm gay, yo. So gay that just looking at your monstrous jugs is creeping me out. You can just call me Gay-men, kay yo?"

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!! ALL THE GOOD ONES NEED TO BE HOOKING UP WIT EACH OTHER. DAMMMMMMMMMN!!! LATER BEETCHES."

"...So we're her bitches now? Great that's exactly how I want to spend my time. I hate that woman so much."

"Of course we're not her bitches, yo. We're her 'beetches'. Got it memorized?"

"...Are you guys sure that you and Axel aren't related. He could be your brother, or cousin, hell even sister with those hips!"

"Nah, he doesn't have the 'Reno vibe' to him. Everyone can tell where Reno is by the 'Reno vibe'."

"Yes, that 'Reno vibe' of your's is so noticeable that I could find it anywhere, Reno. Imagine my surprise when I find it near my boyfriend. Again."

"Dammit, yo."

"You know Seph, I don't understand why you don't like me hanging out with, Reno. You two hang out all the time."

"Yes my dearie, but that's because I need a drinking partner. Reno's my drinking partner, and I've seen him drunk countless times. He gets very...handsy when he's drunk, and I worry for the virtue of my precious love-muffin."

"What the fuck, yo? I'm still fucking here, and you don't diss the Reno when he's here and can kick your ass. Well...Leon's ass. But then again, Seph would kick my ass for 'touch/damaging his property'. Damn, I wish Vince was that protective."

"First off, Reno if you don't like us talking, you can leave. Go home to Vincent, where he'll probably fuck you until you can't walk. And second Seph, I hardly think that since we've been dating for 9 months and you are a freaking sex fiend that any of my virtue is still intact. You're a fucking monster that needs to be stopped, preferably before we go home."

"I have this thing in my car, yo, that can take care of your problems, Leon. Of course in return, you'll have to do me a few 'favors', yo."

"..."

"..."

"What, yo?"

"...You know that now I have to kill you, Reno. I really hate having to do this to you, but..."

"Reno...just go home. Tell Vincent I'll pay him to keep you out of our hair for the next couple of days."

"If you give me the money now yo, I'll stay away for a week. I'm short a little for this toy I wanna buy for tonight. It's gonna be the shit, yo!"

"Turk, leave or I swear that not even Aeris will be able to bring you back to life. Leave and don't come back. Unless you have copious amounts of alcohol. Then you are welcomed any time."

"Thanks for the money Leon. I'll see you tomorrow for drinks, Seph. Later, yo"

"..."

"..."

"I really do hate that man. The only reason I keep him around is for the drinking I swear. Why are you here, Squall? I thought I told you that I didn't like you hanging out with that asshole?"

"I can do whatev-"

"...mhmm..."

"Ah..._more..._nngh."

"Hmmm...you sure are handsy when you're drunk too Leon, but this I like."

"...WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP HARRASSING ME!!! EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF SENTENCES NOW???? WHAT THE HELL, SEPH? JUST FOR THAT YOU ARE SO SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT!!!!"

"Now Squall, what did we say about saying things we didn't mean? I will always know and will always do exactly what you really want me to do. And right now, that means fuck you until you can't walk tomorrow."

"Seph, I think you're doing that thing when you think I something, but really its just you. Right now, I want you to take me home, because I don't think I remember the way."

"Sure thing Squall, it would be wrong for me to fuck you here anyway. But once we get home, you're mine."

"SEPHIROTH WATCH YOUR FUCKING HANDS!!!!"

"I'd rather watch your ass."

"..."

"DAMMIT SQUALL, IT WAS A JOKE!!! PUT YOUR GUNBLADE AWAY!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!"

"YOU ARE GOING TO PAY YOU LITTLE FREAK! I'M ABOUT TO GO ALL COMMANDER SQUALL LEONHART ON YOUR ASS! AND HE IS ONE BAD-ASS MOTHER FUCKER!!!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hahahahaha! Yet again have we struck gold with this magnificent finding. I don't care what you say this time Aeris. I will get myself some flipping materia! That stuff is precious!"

"Now Yuffie, I think it's best if you wait a little longer until you get that materia. Hey, maybe Rude and Tseng will give you some when they come back if you are a good girl?"

"You mean a blood-thirsty-kick-butt-super-spectacular-awesome-ninja, right? And when are you going to bring Rudey-McStoic back? And Mr. Wonderful? I know you miss them, especially Tseng, but I can't blame you because both of them are pretty yummy lookin'! The thing I miss the most, has to be sane Tifa though. Squally-boy is right Aeris she's a fricking monster!"

"Patience young grasshopper. All good things come with time, and time is like a gentle river, it comes slowly but powerfully."

"I really should stop letting you read all my fortune cookies. I knew that starting a Wutaiian bakery in this world was a good idea, but if I knew that you would become hooked on the fortunes...I still would have done it. HA!"

"...We should get going Yuffie, it would be bad if Leon and Sephiroth learned that we have been spying on them all this time."

"Yeah, he might even kill you again!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"How long are we going to let them spy on us, Squall? It gets on my nerves having other people see you like this."

"Like what?"

"Breath-takingly sexy and yet so thoroughly fucked. The perfect combo."

"Once they get used to us, they'll stop Seph. And if not, I'll let you loose. "

"Ahh, you always know exactly how to make me happy, Squall. I love you so much. You give the best gifts."

"...After all, the greatest gift is love, and I just like you to be happy Seph."

"...Now who sounds like a fortune cookie?"

"UGH!!! YOU INSUFFERABLE JERK! I TRY TO BE NICE, AND SWEET, AND YOU ACT LIKE A FUCKING ASS! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. I HOPE YOU DIE IN YOUR SLEEP!!"

"...Sweet dreams to you too, Squall."

* * *

**A/N: **Okay, this is turning into a very horrible addiction for me. And I'm not so sure I can stop. Anyways...yes. That's my explanation for why Tifa turned from bad-ass, to stalker. Rude left, and everyone knows that Rude makes everything better. I'm thinking that next chapter, Cloud will show up, and as we all know, that's gonna turn out pretty badly. Or well, if you're sadistic like me. Keep on rowing that canoe Sailor Moon, and until later my lovely space cadets~!!


	4. Draco Malfoy meets the Highwinds

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Kingdom Hearts. If I did, the real leader of Organization XIII would have been Mithos from Tales of Symphonia. In my mind, Cruxis = Organization XIII.

* * *

"Alright Squall, you can't be angry at me forever, eventually you'll have to forgive me. How was I supposed to know that Huey, Dewey, and Louie were going to come running through that door? I had specifically stalked that spot and took note of when the little Chocobo-ass-head was going to be at Ansem's Study. How was I supposed to know that Tifa had finally caught up with him? Today was going to be the day, Squall. The day that I finally rid the world of the jiggly pile of angst that glares and tries to be like 'There is nobody that can understand the suffering I have been through,-"

"Seph, you're starting to..."

"But its _Cloud,_ Squall. That wannabe asspirate just pisses the hell out of me, and makes me want to slowly twist his abnormally large head off his skinny, pale neck. ARGH!!!!!! Why are you the pissed off one, anyway? I should be annoyed, because I had the perfect plan, perfect Squall!! WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN ME????"

"...Seph, you're ranting again. First off, man I really hate doing this, you are a freaking god yourself. You get to forsake others, and they don't get to forsake you. And Seph...if anything, Cloud will be wishing for you to kill him soon. A day, hell even a hour, with Tifa will do that to a person. I swear she's worse than Reno, Irvine, Wakka, and Cait Sith all rolled into one. Hey, I have an idea, since you can't kill Cloud today, why not get rid of Cait Sith? I mean you owe the cat-robot-person-thing like fifty bajillion dollars in debt..."

"...Is Bajillion even a word? Plus, ITS NOT THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!! THE HATRED THAT THE GRUNT AND I SHARE IS SPECIAL, SQUALL!!! IT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE TYPE OR MEGA-LOATHING THAT WE FEEL, YOU HAVE NO MAJOR ENEMIES WHO FUCKED UP YOUR LIFE FOR FUN!!!!"

"...Dude, the guy who: picked on me mercilessly as a kid, stole my bad ass weapon choice, slashed my face open, stabbed me with icicles, tried to kill me countless times, and slept with my ex-wife while we were married, lives in Twilight Town. He never loses the chance to rub it in my face how much he fucked me up. And why? Because there was nothing better to do in Balamb. I mean our 'cultural reading' besides text books, were pet magazines. Fucking pet magazines. I read all of those so many times because Rinoa forced them on me, that I remember what volume that Angelo learned each attack from. Wishing Star is form Pet Pals Volume Six, Angelo Recover, Volume Two, and Invincible Moon was from Volume Three. I really fucking hate Angelo....and Rinoa. Fucking bitches."

"What? Wait, are you talking about your gunblade, Squall? Because if that's the case, I would have to disagree, because it is a fucking useless weapon. I mean, Yazoo had one...If he had one then you gotta know that its totally a pussy-ass weapon-SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WERE FUCKING MARRIED AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME???? AM I YOUR SECOND CHOICE, YOU, YOU....GODDAMNED PRICK????"

"Seph, Rinoa's been dead for like...ever. I don't think that it really matters anymore. I mean we've been together for like a year, and I'm happy with where we are. Aren't you?"

"Oh, I would be oh-so-much happier if you were in the bedroom, your body naked and glimmering with sweat, as I slowly pleasured you."

"...Okay. We have you going from, whiny to homicidal, to emo, to angry, to perverted. That little list there makes me think that you are drunk off your ass, and are probably going to act like the fucking idiot you are. What I don't get is how the fuck you got drunk, I mean I got rid of your liquor and told none of the bars to serve you..."

"Ah, but you see this little pouch that is in my pocket Squall? It is a gallon of pure alcohol that is being fed directly into my bloodstream to give me a bitchin' buzz. I mean both Reno and Cid said that this was trippy, but man it feels good. Like I'm eating fuzzy slippers. Like your fuzzy slippers, you know the ones with the cute, wittle lions on them. I think that I could just eat you up when you where those, I mean you look so innocent and cute, and shy, and virgin, and....Hey you wanna go to bed now?"

"...Seph its not even two in the afternoon. I really don't want to spend the rest of my day there. I should be doing construction work for the restoration, but then you had to go and almost kill the Duck triplets..."

"Cheeky little bastards. I mean I slide my blade over their feathery necks and barely break the skin and they start crying like a bunch of....Clouds! Oh, and I know what time it is HP, but I thought that maybe we could have a little 'afternoon delight' if you know what I mean? Nudge Nudge Wink Wink."

"...You're supposed to actually do the actions, not say them you retard. You're just a fucking retard, or a fucktard as we say now. And do I even wanna know what the hell 'HP' stands for?"

"Heh, are you sure that you're not drunk too, Squally-boo? I mean you're acting almost as zany as me. Maybe, since I'm so badass and awesome, the drunked-ness just rolls off of me and diffuses across the air into your body. Hmmm, I can think of some better things to enter your body... Oh what was your question again? I was thinking about more...pleasant thoughts. Oh oh oh oh, I remember now. The HP thing. Well you see, you have a scar on your forehead-"

"You don't say? Man, how could I have missed that..."

"-which coincidentally is in the same place as a certain scarred wizard. Hence the name, HP the initials of the aforementioned wizard."

"..."

"Hey if your Harry, does that make me your Draco? Oh that works out great, as Cloud can be Ron."

"..."

"Squall?"

"...Or maybe Draco wants to hook up with Ron."

"What Squall?"

"Maybe Harry doesn't wanna talk about Ron anymore."

"...But Harry and Ron are best friends, that makes no sense. I mean they have know each other since their first year of Hogwarts."

"...I have to get back to work. I might work late, so I'll just stay at my parent's house tonight-"

"Wait Squall!"

"Later Sephiroth."

"...Shit. What did I say that was so wrong? Dammit, now I won't be getting any today. Oh, now I'm talking to myself too. Fabulous, simply fabulous. I might as well head to the Crystal Fissure and start beating the crap out of some Heartless. Killing stuff always makes me feel better, almost like being drunk without drinking."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Sephiroth!"

"Oh hey Cloud, do you mind impaling yourself through the chest with that crystal over there? I'm too busy trying to ignore you."

"Now, as much as I don't want to have a civil conversation with you either, we kinda need to. No matter how much I want to feel the cool metal of your blade slicing through my skin, tearing through blood vessels and causing my blood to spill out..."

"And people wonder why the hell we fight so much, its because your such a freaking masochist!"

"...Tch, whatever. Now what has your panties in a twist?"

"You totally stole that from Squall...SQUALLY-BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME????"

"...Ah, problems with the missus. That's why Aeris was able to sense, and I quote, 'A disturbance in the force,' since she has been stalking you to for so long and all. That's probably the same reason why Yuffie started spazzing and ranting about how she'll never get her materia now unless she 'choked a bitch.' Why the hell are all the females in our lives crazy?"

"Because you touch yourself at night. Anyways, I did something wrong, but I have no idea what. AND NOW MY LOVE MUFFIN HAS DESERTED ME!!!!"

"Fuck you. What exactly did you say to Leon, us brooding types are very fragile. Our frozen hearts are shattered and almost bursting from the pressures in life. Exploding hearts in a fountain of blood...mmhm"

"You are fucking nuts, and I'm saying that as a person who seriously wants you to die in a painful and humiliating way. Grow a pair, you fucking pussy. And I would never 'fuck you' or allow you to do such a thing to me. I would snap your floppy arms in half if that ever happened. You know what, why don't we just fight now?"

"I left my sword in my other pants. Plus Aeris would slit my throat with her shovel, and Yuffie would ninja-slap me if we fought now. Its close to a bitch-slap, but since Tifa has claimed ownership of everything 'beetch' related, Yuffie had to rename it. But it still hurts like hell. And that feels so good..."

"..."

"Like you weren't thinking the same thing. Have you ever noticed how many times you mention me, oh Silvette of Doom?"

"I never talk about you! I can't remember the last time I talked about maiming you with a butter-knife, or peeling your skin off with a cheese grater!!!"

"You call me the pain-addict? Anyways maybe that's your problem with Leon, he's sick of you always talking about me. But I can't blame him, I am the superior one. I mean look at all my fangirls."

"Your number of fangirls is significantly lower than mine still, Strife. Dammit you're probably right, but don't let that go to your head. It's plenty big already."

"It's just the hair, trust me. I really freaking hate my hair, and it always gets in my way with fighting and all. I wonder how it would look, blood clinging to the strains of blond hair, coloring it a brownish color..."

"Yeah, yeah, you're a freaky asshole, that's already been establish Chocobo-head. But, I don't know what to do next, I mean Squall's staying over at his parent's house tonight and I've never met them."

"...Sephiroth, you've known Cid for over 13 years. He definitely knows you, he still calls you 'Psycho' whenever your name is brought up in conversation."

"BUT ITS NOT THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't met him yet as Squall's Boyfriend, and Squall's Daddy. I need to have that distinction, plus I haven't met Squall's Mom yet either."

"...You know I never got how Cid is considered Leon's father, and Laguna is his mother. I mean Laguna is the one who actually fathered Leon-"

"...You aren't questioning the family rock are you Cloud? I know I won't have to slice a dumbass, will I?"

"...Not at all Sephiroth, just put down the sword. I can't help you with your problem if I'm dead, right?"

"Actually, it would solve my problems if you were dead, but I won't kill you. Yet. I have morals, like don't kill an unarmed idiot. And, If I did that, I don't think that Squall would talk to me at all."

"Why are you still here anyway? I thought that as soon as you realized what you did wrong you would be on your way, gallivanting through town to find your princess."

"Squall wouldn't want to see me now."

"I'm sure that's not true, I'm mean I don't understand it, but that guy seems to...like you. Argh, I feel dirty just for saying those words. What I wouldn't do for a dagger through my femoral artery right now..."

"No, you see I'm drunk off my ass, which is the only reason why your wish isn't true right now. And Squall hates it when I'm drunk."

"What happened to the whole 'I am a person with morals' bullshit?"  
"Oh, I was just fucking with your head. Again."

"..."

"Later, Puppet."

"...Oh death and pain, I love you for what you do for me. You help me to escape from all these fucking assholes, and crazy people."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Getcha fuckin' ass away from mah fuckin' property, you fuckin' Psycho before I lance ya fuckin' chest!"

"I missed you too Captain. Now, if you could please call Squall so I could speak with him for a while, that would be much appreciated."

"No fuckin' way would aye ever let ya talk to mah fuckin' boy after whatever the hell ya said to him. He's been a fuckin' wreck since he got 'ere."

"Really, that's surprising. I never meant to hurt him though Cid, you need to believe me on this one. Please let me in."

"Now why should Aye do that? There is no fuckin' way that Aye-"

"CID~~~ Let the poor boy into the house. He's here on a mission: To save his relationship! You need to let him in here, or I swear to Hyne that you will be sleeping on the couch for the rest of the week."

"Goddammit 'Guna, give a man a warnin' before ya jump outta nowhere. And if ya gonna let the fuckin' Psycho into mah house, fix me some goddamned tea already!"

"Aye, aye sir! Now why don't you come in here...Sephiroth was it? I don't believe we've met before, I'm Squall's father, Laguna Loire. Pleasure to meet you."

"Ah, and it my utmost pleasure to meet you as well, Laguna. It's nice to see where Squall got his dashing looks from."

"Aren't you the little sweet talker? Now why can't you talk to me like that Cid? Am I not special enough, or do you love those ships more than you love me? I JUST WANT YOU TO BE ROMANTIC, AND SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET IN AN ACT OF LOVE~!!!"

"..."

"...Run Psycho, run."

"CID~!!! YOU WILL LOVE ME~!!"

"Squall...WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME???"

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I'm pretty sure why you never introduced me to your family right now, Squall. They are fucking scary, Cid with his tea and lance and Southerness, and Laguna with his...Sora-ness. Wait does that make Cid, Riku?"

"..."

"C'mon Squall talk to me."

"..."

"Pwetty Pwease, with a dying fairy on top?'"

"...Nah, Riku's way too emo for Cid. Hell, Cid nearly pops a cap whenever I go around brooding and such. Like today he-"

"..."

"Mhmm...Seph...Wah..."

"....Nghh...."

"....Pfft"

"OW!"

"That's what you get for trying to distract me from how pissed off I am because of you! I try to be nice and talk to you, albeit about something inconsequential, but still! Goddammit Sephiroth, you can be a real pill!"

"Squall, I was only trying to convey my love for you and the fact that I was very excited since you were gracing my ears with your heavenly words."

"...You're sober, aren't you?"

"All for you my love. Why do you think I waited so long before coming and talking to you? I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't fuck it up like I'm inclined to do. I really don't wanna fuck this up, Squall."

"Then shut your damn mouth and stop being a fucking pussy and just forget about Cloud."

"He's my clone Squall, my 'brother' if you will. I can't necessarily forget about him any easier than I can forget about killing Aeris. Even if that was a sweet shot."

"...You're such an asshole. But can you at least take the time to think before you speak? And maybe take some Cloud-free days, they'll be good for your health."

"Anything for you Sugar Tits."

"Seph, I don't have...never mind. Let's go home before Laguna starts taking pictures with his camera. I never thought that I would say that I missed the Orphanage."

"...Just one question Squall. Why is Laguna considered your mother, I mean from what you've said, you didn't meet him until you were 17 and even then he is your biological father-"

"Seph, when you live in our messed up world of: talking ducks, music that follows you around everywhere-don't tell me you haven't heard it- and the fact that a mouse is king, you learn not to question anything. Especially the family rock."

"Ah, you're right. I almost forgot, Disney logic. Anyways, can we go home now Squall? Our bed is calling my name. Like you will be in a few minutes."

"...Sometimes I forget why I'm dating you. Then I remember. I was dropped on my head as a baby."

"I love how sweet you can be, Squall."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Ah Cid, its young love. Do you remember what is was like when you were young?"

"Dammit 'Guna, ya're older than me. Now where's my fuckin' tea?"

"If tea is a code word for sex, then coming right up~"

"Well either way, Aye get some hot stuff on mah tongue."

"You're such a naughty boy, Cid."

"Damn Straight. Not mah fault ya can't handle the captain."

"Oh, I can show you how I can handle your 'captain' right now."

"Shut ya piehole and get to work 'Guna, Aye ain't waitin' all day."

"Aye Aye Sir~!"

* * *

**A/N:** Alright...this is kinda weird, and all based off the idea that Lolerskatez dared me to use: "The Family Rock" If anyone wants a detailed list of the family rock (as far as the Organization XIII goes) just pm me. It's a thing that my friends, Lolerskatez, Oathy, and The Colonel thought up on a napkin that has been immortalized in our lives. Anyways, thanks for checking this out, and have a good day, I SAID GOOD DAY!!!


End file.
